>> Why We Have This Emotion
Defensiveness mobilizes us to guard our reputation and resources, quickly countering any social threats. It can preserve our reputation within a group, but it’s likely to block us from learning and improving.
◎ What to do in the moment
Good Ideas
- Ask, “Is any part of this true?”
- Repeat their main point back first
- Request a concrete example
- Say, “Let me think about that”
- Separate “I did X” from “I am bad”
- Look for one thing to improve
- Thank them for the feedback
Bad Ideas
- Interrupt and argue every point
- Attack their character, not the issue
- Deny everything, even obvious facts
- Blame others instantly to deflect
- Nitpick wording to dodge the core
- Bring up old mistakes in revenge
- Stonewall them instead of engaging