>> Why We Have This Emotion
Defensiveness pushes us to guard our reputation, and to quickly counter any social threats. It motivates us to preserve our reputation, but it’s likely to block us from learning and improving.
◎ What to do in the moment
Good Ideas
- Ask, “Is any part of this true?”
- Repeat their main point back first
- Request a concrete example
- Say, “Let me think about that”
- Separate “I did X” from “I am bad”
- Look for one thing you can improve
- Thank them for the feedback
Bad Ideas
- Interrupt and argue every point
- Attack their character, not the issue
- Deny everything, even obvious facts
- Blame others instantly to deflect
- Nitpick wording to dodge the core
- Bring up old mistakes in revenge
- Stonewall them instead of engaging